Recently hubby was going through some of my 17 month old sons things. It is interesting to see what has been used to death but also things, especially clothes, that were used so little. Many things look brand spanking new. There are so many things you are convinced you have to buy when expecting a baby and if it is your first then it is very easy to think so many things are essential. Then of course there are all the well meant gifts. Which is where this blog comes in. I am going to give you advice of what to give and what to do for a new mum because lets face it most of you have not got a clue!
The Perfect Gift... and not...
A gift is a lovely thing. But I know you are wandering around Kmart or somewhere thinking; 'what can I get?' You don't want a to give a gift card because you want to give bub something personal, something to remember you by and plus you concede a new mum does not really want to go shopping and have to think for herself what she can buy that will make her remember you.
First things first. Chances are the new mum or bub is never going to look at the gift in years to come and think of you fondly. It will probably go to come other child in a year or so, to either a sibling or cousin or complete stranger via the salvos. Even if it hides in the back of a cupboard for years or is kept because it is expensive engraved pewter the sleep deprived mum is not going to remember you bought it so just get that idea out of your idea.
Now lets talk about being practical! The best thing you can give a new mum is nappies. Simple. If she is using disposables and lets face it most of us do then it is an expensive exercise, one that goes on for long after the newborn gift giving time is up. Give them some newborn size and the next size up as some newborns (like mine!) can grow out of them very quickly and as I have said once they do the gifts have long stopped coming but the expenses have not. Formula is good too if you know the bub is formula fed as that is also an expensive ongoing cost.
If by some chance your new mum friend is using cloth nappies then buy some of them or if you are thinking of being really generous then a nappy service for a week will go down a treat.
Forget rattles and teddy bears and bath products. She already has them coming our of her ears. Unless you know for a fact that your new mum friend has little money and has been unable to buy the essentials then she will have everything she needs for a newborn that does not run out quickly (like nappies and formula!!). If you want to buy clothes buy them in a few sizes bigger. It was great to have size 0 and 1 waiting in the wings for when he reached that age. Everyone gives newborns newborn clothes and they grow out of them in no time and the new mum is left with the expense of new clothes every couple of months.
First Contact
Now for contacting a new mum. First of all... do it! Don't think, 'oh I will leave as she will be so busy she wont want to hear from me.' She does want to hear from you and she wants to talk to you and feel as though her life is normal. There are ways to do it of course. What a boon texting and emailing is. Email or text and ask how she is and tell her you want to ring her and what is a good time? Do not tell her to ring you if she wants. She may well think you are just being nice so make sure you take the time to ring her.
New mums often don't know when people are genuine or not.' Ring me if you want.' 'Let me know if you need help or a baby sitter.' How many people really mean it and will go through with it? If you are one of those amazing friends that really do want to help then you have to make things clearer than that. Ring when she says it is a good time. If it turns out to be wrong time then graciously say you will ring back and then do it. If you arrange to see her and she has to postpone it then do so gladly, remember she has a lot on her place.
Most importantly if you want to help then do it! An offer to babysit must be definite. Don't make her chase you up and ask you to come and babysit as chances are pride will get in the way and she wont ask, even if she desperately wants to. Instead of saying let me know if you want a babysitter. Say something like, ' I'm free next Thursday how about I come over after lunch so you can have a lie down for a few hours?' This is much easier to say yes to then something that is said off hand and oftentimes is not even meant.
Visiting The Alien...
Now for the visit itself. Many people will visit a new mum, give a useless gift, sit on the couch nursing a sleeping baby while the new mum makes the tea. Get off your ass!! Give her a gift she can use (see above) and make the tea yourself. While you are in the kitchen take the time to empty or stack the dishwasher. I promise you she will not mind! Don't just nurse a sleeping a baby. If bub wakes offer to feed (if bottle fed) or change her. One nappy will not kill you. Remember new mum is changing it 8 times or more a day. Let her sit with a cuppa for a few minutes for heaven's sake!
Another point I will cover is taking food for a new mum. It is an old fashioned quaint tradition to take a casserole for a new mum. If you can do it then by all means do. A new mum needs all the help she can get. It is nice to keep old traditions going as well, at least ones that actually make sense. But if you are not up to a casserole consider something else. Some fruit maybe or pick up some essentials for her like milk and bread. Best of all you know what you can do? Time your visit for lunchtime and ask if she would like you to pick up some KFC for her on the way. That strange rumbling noise you will hear down the phone will be tears of gratitude!
Remember the new mum will be different to when you last saw her and I don't just mean in the belly department! She may seem normal or she may not. She may be over excited or the extreme opposite and seem a bit hazy, She may get teary or she may smile madly the whole time. Whatever she does, try and remember she has an alien presence she is getting used to. Her body is not something she recognises and she is sleep deprived.
Which brings me to what to say. If she looks a complete mess no need to tell her, even out of concern. Conversely do not lie and tell her she looks great. She knows she does not and in her emotional, delicate state she will wonder why one of her closest friends has decided to start lying to her in such a cruel way.
Of course if she mentions it you need to be delicate. 'I look awful' she says holding out her baggy, vomit stained t-shirt and running her fingers through her greasy hair. Don't say yes or no simply say; 'You look tired, but that is to be expected, do you want to go and have a little lie down?'
Just The One?
Now most importantly if you are a true friend that wants to help don't just leave it at one visit. Keep in touch! Contact her on a regular basis and keep giving offers of help and visits. Remember her when the baby is 3 months or 5 months old not just a newborn. The new mum will still be dealing with new things and need friends around her.
Tragedy
I should mention what to do in the case of a mum having lost a baby. This has not happened to me so I am not speaking from personal experience but I think I can give some basic advice. That is to not ignore her to give her space or because you don't know what to say. Simply say you are very sorry. Tell her what you feel and avoid cliches. It really is that simple. No one wants to hear that time will heal or at least you can have (or have) another one but they do want to hear that people care. Again not just in the early stages but months afterwards.
Gifts of food and help around the house will still apply. As might offers to babysit if there is a child in the household. Your friend may appreciate time to herself for a bit.
All Show...
Now if you are one of these people that feel obliged to give a gift but don't really give a shit then buy a cheap teddy and post it. The new mum does not want to have to entertain you while you visit and expect to be waited on.
Of Course...
If you know for a fact that your new mum is wealthy and/or surrounded by friends and family who help a lot then of course you can ignore all the above advice. Though a text or email might be nice still!
That is it for now folks.
Be back soon with more words of wisdom....
Kell
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