I have noticed recently that many people in response to being called certain names decide the best way to deal with it is instead of arguing or defending themselves is to agree and try and turn it around into a positive. For example someone might be called a bitch and that person says; 'Too right! You bet I am a bitch, and proud of it!' At first glance you think well good on them for taking that attitude but is it in fact a healthy attitude to take?
Think of some of those words out there that people are trying to turn into positive ones. Bitch is one, nerd is another. How many people have you heard call themselves nerds meaning it in a good way? Even slut comes into that category. All these words have negative connotations. They were created as insults. Words meant to harm, label and be hurtful. Yes I do know that a bitch is a female dog but the derogatory meaning of that word has been around for a very long time, so much so that you cannot say the word in its real context without someone snickering.
Lets examine it. It might seem natural for people to try and change a word. Why not be a nerd or a bitch but then again does the so called positive connotation really mean the same thing. If someone calls you are bitch they are insulting you by saying you are mean and nasty or worse. If you call yourself one you mean well yes I am a strong woman that speaks her own mind and of course there is nothing wrong with that but that is not the same as the insult. These are two completely different meanings. You are not a bitch at all, not in the way the word usage intends. The same for nerd. The use of the word nerd implies someone boring; lets face it. If you love reading and are smart there is no need to accept that you are a nerd no matter what anyone says.
I hear some of you saying that this is all nonsense. Where is the harm to defuse a situation by saying yes I am a nerd and laughing it off? But think about it. Negative words will always be negative. We cannot change them. We may try but the original meaning of a word is so ingrained that it is impossible to turn around.
I have recently discovered the book 'The Hidden Messages in Water' by Dr. Emoto. This book is fascinating and just shows how words and their meanings can truly affect us. This book is a commentary on experiments done with water when it forms crystals. Different words were exposed to pure water for the period it takes for the water to form crystals. Some of these words were positive and some were negative. Some of the words were in English and some in other languages. Each time the results were the same. The water exposed to the positive words formed glorious beautiful, complete colourful crystals while the water exposed to the negative words formed incomplete, dull crystals.
The results in fact are incredible and raise many questions about life and the connection of all living things but my point here is that if water can be affected adversely by negative words imagine what they can do to us? The old sticks and stones saying is not true. Words can indeed be harmful. Though it is not the words of others that do the most harm as we are all capable of deciding we will not let the comments or opinions of others harm us, though many of us take years to learn this. No the comments that are most harmful to ourselves are the ones we give ourselves or take on as part of our identity. If we call ourselves stupid and useless then our lives will be affected by this. If we take on or own what other people call us then this can be incredibly damaging. Think of a child who is constantly told they are stupid. As an adult it is so ingrained that their lives are affected. They don't try new things or go for that dream job as they think they will not be up to it because they are in fact stupid.
Or a battered wife who ultimately believes what her husband calls her; stupid, worthless, ugly. Because she hears it so often she takes it on; wears it as a second skin and after so many years finds it almost impossible to discard.
So too every time we take on a word and own it we are affected by it even if we take it on in jest or to try to turn a negative into a positive. I will say it again; a negative term is a negative and no matter how hard we try to change it this simply will not happen.
Try something out. Look in the mirror and call yourself something positive. Tell yourself out loud that you are intelligent or clever. Notice what affect it has on you. Now look in the mirror and call yourself a bitch or a nerd. Notice what affect that has. Did it make you jump a little? Did you feel good or did you feel somewhat deflated? Chances are it did not make you feel good at all but rather quite the opposite.
So negative words I think are far better making their way out of our vocabulary rather than us trying to change them. Look at the use of the N word in the USA. So many arguments and discussions about such an ugly word. No one can make it pretty, not even African Americans speaking it to one another in jest. They are doing themselves a great disservice.
So next time you get called a name best to ignore it and perhaps think about removing that person far out of your life. If a friend uses the term in jest why not tell them you are uncomfortable with it and would much rather they use a positive term or at least just smile at them and ignore them too. No need to admit it or agree or to own the term.
It is worth mentioning too all those little words we call people that have become normal that too can cause damage. Have you ever called your child stupid or silly or bad? Try and refrain from it because a child does not know how to ignore these terms and they will take them on and own them and be affected by them. They might do something that is silly or bad but they themselves are not, no matter what they have done. Make sure you distinguish between the act they have committed and themselves. Call them smart and clever and wonderful as many times as you can. They will believe it and far from making them arrogant it will give them self esteem and belief in themselves which is one of the greatest gifts you can give a child.
It might be worth mentioning too that if you do have a problem with thinking negatives about yourself then it is probably worthwhile trying some affirmations. Tell yourself often enough you are beautiful, smart, worthy, glorious etc and you will start to believe it. Have a look at 'You Can Heal Your Life' by Louise L. Hay. Remember no one on this earth is useless or worthless. No one! Not one person is worthless. Even a serial killer on death row may have a mother that loves them or may have shown at least one person affected by his crimes that life is too short and is worth living. Every single one of us is important and worthy and special and if we all believed that then name calling would be a thing of the past.
Remember to be kind to people. Name calling solves nothing at all. Even if a person is incredibly awful and behaving badly towards you don't resort to name calling. Eventually we can hope those truly negative people who delight in hurting others will realise that they call people names because of their own self esteem issues and the problem lies with them. Until then lets all try to be good to each other as much as we can and remember only label yourself good and positive things. Everyone will benefit from that.
Cheers,
Kellie
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
So Your Friend Is A New Mum...
Recently hubby was going through some of my 17 month old sons things. It is interesting to see what has been used to death but also things, especially clothes, that were used so little. Many things look brand spanking new. There are so many things you are convinced you have to buy when expecting a baby and if it is your first then it is very easy to think so many things are essential. Then of course there are all the well meant gifts. Which is where this blog comes in. I am going to give you advice of what to give and what to do for a new mum because lets face it most of you have not got a clue!
The Perfect Gift... and not...
A gift is a lovely thing. But I know you are wandering around Kmart or somewhere thinking; 'what can I get?' You don't want a to give a gift card because you want to give bub something personal, something to remember you by and plus you concede a new mum does not really want to go shopping and have to think for herself what she can buy that will make her remember you.
First things first. Chances are the new mum or bub is never going to look at the gift in years to come and think of you fondly. It will probably go to come other child in a year or so, to either a sibling or cousin or complete stranger via the salvos. Even if it hides in the back of a cupboard for years or is kept because it is expensive engraved pewter the sleep deprived mum is not going to remember you bought it so just get that idea out of your idea.
Now lets talk about being practical! The best thing you can give a new mum is nappies. Simple. If she is using disposables and lets face it most of us do then it is an expensive exercise, one that goes on for long after the newborn gift giving time is up. Give them some newborn size and the next size up as some newborns (like mine!) can grow out of them very quickly and as I have said once they do the gifts have long stopped coming but the expenses have not. Formula is good too if you know the bub is formula fed as that is also an expensive ongoing cost.
If by some chance your new mum friend is using cloth nappies then buy some of them or if you are thinking of being really generous then a nappy service for a week will go down a treat.
Forget rattles and teddy bears and bath products. She already has them coming our of her ears. Unless you know for a fact that your new mum friend has little money and has been unable to buy the essentials then she will have everything she needs for a newborn that does not run out quickly (like nappies and formula!!). If you want to buy clothes buy them in a few sizes bigger. It was great to have size 0 and 1 waiting in the wings for when he reached that age. Everyone gives newborns newborn clothes and they grow out of them in no time and the new mum is left with the expense of new clothes every couple of months.
First Contact
Now for contacting a new mum. First of all... do it! Don't think, 'oh I will leave as she will be so busy she wont want to hear from me.' She does want to hear from you and she wants to talk to you and feel as though her life is normal. There are ways to do it of course. What a boon texting and emailing is. Email or text and ask how she is and tell her you want to ring her and what is a good time? Do not tell her to ring you if she wants. She may well think you are just being nice so make sure you take the time to ring her.
New mums often don't know when people are genuine or not.' Ring me if you want.' 'Let me know if you need help or a baby sitter.' How many people really mean it and will go through with it? If you are one of those amazing friends that really do want to help then you have to make things clearer than that. Ring when she says it is a good time. If it turns out to be wrong time then graciously say you will ring back and then do it. If you arrange to see her and she has to postpone it then do so gladly, remember she has a lot on her place.
Most importantly if you want to help then do it! An offer to babysit must be definite. Don't make her chase you up and ask you to come and babysit as chances are pride will get in the way and she wont ask, even if she desperately wants to. Instead of saying let me know if you want a babysitter. Say something like, ' I'm free next Thursday how about I come over after lunch so you can have a lie down for a few hours?' This is much easier to say yes to then something that is said off hand and oftentimes is not even meant.
Visiting The Alien...
Now for the visit itself. Many people will visit a new mum, give a useless gift, sit on the couch nursing a sleeping baby while the new mum makes the tea. Get off your ass!! Give her a gift she can use (see above) and make the tea yourself. While you are in the kitchen take the time to empty or stack the dishwasher. I promise you she will not mind! Don't just nurse a sleeping a baby. If bub wakes offer to feed (if bottle fed) or change her. One nappy will not kill you. Remember new mum is changing it 8 times or more a day. Let her sit with a cuppa for a few minutes for heaven's sake!
Another point I will cover is taking food for a new mum. It is an old fashioned quaint tradition to take a casserole for a new mum. If you can do it then by all means do. A new mum needs all the help she can get. It is nice to keep old traditions going as well, at least ones that actually make sense. But if you are not up to a casserole consider something else. Some fruit maybe or pick up some essentials for her like milk and bread. Best of all you know what you can do? Time your visit for lunchtime and ask if she would like you to pick up some KFC for her on the way. That strange rumbling noise you will hear down the phone will be tears of gratitude!
Remember the new mum will be different to when you last saw her and I don't just mean in the belly department! She may seem normal or she may not. She may be over excited or the extreme opposite and seem a bit hazy, She may get teary or she may smile madly the whole time. Whatever she does, try and remember she has an alien presence she is getting used to. Her body is not something she recognises and she is sleep deprived.
Which brings me to what to say. If she looks a complete mess no need to tell her, even out of concern. Conversely do not lie and tell her she looks great. She knows she does not and in her emotional, delicate state she will wonder why one of her closest friends has decided to start lying to her in such a cruel way.
Of course if she mentions it you need to be delicate. 'I look awful' she says holding out her baggy, vomit stained t-shirt and running her fingers through her greasy hair. Don't say yes or no simply say; 'You look tired, but that is to be expected, do you want to go and have a little lie down?'
Just The One?
Now most importantly if you are a true friend that wants to help don't just leave it at one visit. Keep in touch! Contact her on a regular basis and keep giving offers of help and visits. Remember her when the baby is 3 months or 5 months old not just a newborn. The new mum will still be dealing with new things and need friends around her.
Tragedy
I should mention what to do in the case of a mum having lost a baby. This has not happened to me so I am not speaking from personal experience but I think I can give some basic advice. That is to not ignore her to give her space or because you don't know what to say. Simply say you are very sorry. Tell her what you feel and avoid cliches. It really is that simple. No one wants to hear that time will heal or at least you can have (or have) another one but they do want to hear that people care. Again not just in the early stages but months afterwards.
Gifts of food and help around the house will still apply. As might offers to babysit if there is a child in the household. Your friend may appreciate time to herself for a bit.
All Show...
Now if you are one of these people that feel obliged to give a gift but don't really give a shit then buy a cheap teddy and post it. The new mum does not want to have to entertain you while you visit and expect to be waited on.
Of Course...
If you know for a fact that your new mum is wealthy and/or surrounded by friends and family who help a lot then of course you can ignore all the above advice. Though a text or email might be nice still!
That is it for now folks.
Be back soon with more words of wisdom....
Kell
The Perfect Gift... and not...
A gift is a lovely thing. But I know you are wandering around Kmart or somewhere thinking; 'what can I get?' You don't want a to give a gift card because you want to give bub something personal, something to remember you by and plus you concede a new mum does not really want to go shopping and have to think for herself what she can buy that will make her remember you.
First things first. Chances are the new mum or bub is never going to look at the gift in years to come and think of you fondly. It will probably go to come other child in a year or so, to either a sibling or cousin or complete stranger via the salvos. Even if it hides in the back of a cupboard for years or is kept because it is expensive engraved pewter the sleep deprived mum is not going to remember you bought it so just get that idea out of your idea.
Now lets talk about being practical! The best thing you can give a new mum is nappies. Simple. If she is using disposables and lets face it most of us do then it is an expensive exercise, one that goes on for long after the newborn gift giving time is up. Give them some newborn size and the next size up as some newborns (like mine!) can grow out of them very quickly and as I have said once they do the gifts have long stopped coming but the expenses have not. Formula is good too if you know the bub is formula fed as that is also an expensive ongoing cost.
If by some chance your new mum friend is using cloth nappies then buy some of them or if you are thinking of being really generous then a nappy service for a week will go down a treat.
Forget rattles and teddy bears and bath products. She already has them coming our of her ears. Unless you know for a fact that your new mum friend has little money and has been unable to buy the essentials then she will have everything she needs for a newborn that does not run out quickly (like nappies and formula!!). If you want to buy clothes buy them in a few sizes bigger. It was great to have size 0 and 1 waiting in the wings for when he reached that age. Everyone gives newborns newborn clothes and they grow out of them in no time and the new mum is left with the expense of new clothes every couple of months.
First Contact
Now for contacting a new mum. First of all... do it! Don't think, 'oh I will leave as she will be so busy she wont want to hear from me.' She does want to hear from you and she wants to talk to you and feel as though her life is normal. There are ways to do it of course. What a boon texting and emailing is. Email or text and ask how she is and tell her you want to ring her and what is a good time? Do not tell her to ring you if she wants. She may well think you are just being nice so make sure you take the time to ring her.
New mums often don't know when people are genuine or not.' Ring me if you want.' 'Let me know if you need help or a baby sitter.' How many people really mean it and will go through with it? If you are one of those amazing friends that really do want to help then you have to make things clearer than that. Ring when she says it is a good time. If it turns out to be wrong time then graciously say you will ring back and then do it. If you arrange to see her and she has to postpone it then do so gladly, remember she has a lot on her place.
Most importantly if you want to help then do it! An offer to babysit must be definite. Don't make her chase you up and ask you to come and babysit as chances are pride will get in the way and she wont ask, even if she desperately wants to. Instead of saying let me know if you want a babysitter. Say something like, ' I'm free next Thursday how about I come over after lunch so you can have a lie down for a few hours?' This is much easier to say yes to then something that is said off hand and oftentimes is not even meant.
Visiting The Alien...
Now for the visit itself. Many people will visit a new mum, give a useless gift, sit on the couch nursing a sleeping baby while the new mum makes the tea. Get off your ass!! Give her a gift she can use (see above) and make the tea yourself. While you are in the kitchen take the time to empty or stack the dishwasher. I promise you she will not mind! Don't just nurse a sleeping a baby. If bub wakes offer to feed (if bottle fed) or change her. One nappy will not kill you. Remember new mum is changing it 8 times or more a day. Let her sit with a cuppa for a few minutes for heaven's sake!
Another point I will cover is taking food for a new mum. It is an old fashioned quaint tradition to take a casserole for a new mum. If you can do it then by all means do. A new mum needs all the help she can get. It is nice to keep old traditions going as well, at least ones that actually make sense. But if you are not up to a casserole consider something else. Some fruit maybe or pick up some essentials for her like milk and bread. Best of all you know what you can do? Time your visit for lunchtime and ask if she would like you to pick up some KFC for her on the way. That strange rumbling noise you will hear down the phone will be tears of gratitude!
Remember the new mum will be different to when you last saw her and I don't just mean in the belly department! She may seem normal or she may not. She may be over excited or the extreme opposite and seem a bit hazy, She may get teary or she may smile madly the whole time. Whatever she does, try and remember she has an alien presence she is getting used to. Her body is not something she recognises and she is sleep deprived.
Which brings me to what to say. If she looks a complete mess no need to tell her, even out of concern. Conversely do not lie and tell her she looks great. She knows she does not and in her emotional, delicate state she will wonder why one of her closest friends has decided to start lying to her in such a cruel way.
Of course if she mentions it you need to be delicate. 'I look awful' she says holding out her baggy, vomit stained t-shirt and running her fingers through her greasy hair. Don't say yes or no simply say; 'You look tired, but that is to be expected, do you want to go and have a little lie down?'
Just The One?
Now most importantly if you are a true friend that wants to help don't just leave it at one visit. Keep in touch! Contact her on a regular basis and keep giving offers of help and visits. Remember her when the baby is 3 months or 5 months old not just a newborn. The new mum will still be dealing with new things and need friends around her.
Tragedy
I should mention what to do in the case of a mum having lost a baby. This has not happened to me so I am not speaking from personal experience but I think I can give some basic advice. That is to not ignore her to give her space or because you don't know what to say. Simply say you are very sorry. Tell her what you feel and avoid cliches. It really is that simple. No one wants to hear that time will heal or at least you can have (or have) another one but they do want to hear that people care. Again not just in the early stages but months afterwards.
Gifts of food and help around the house will still apply. As might offers to babysit if there is a child in the household. Your friend may appreciate time to herself for a bit.
All Show...
Now if you are one of these people that feel obliged to give a gift but don't really give a shit then buy a cheap teddy and post it. The new mum does not want to have to entertain you while you visit and expect to be waited on.
Of Course...
If you know for a fact that your new mum is wealthy and/or surrounded by friends and family who help a lot then of course you can ignore all the above advice. Though a text or email might be nice still!
That is it for now folks.
Be back soon with more words of wisdom....
Kell
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