Why I could never go on Masterchef...

The new series of Masterchef Australia is now gracing our TV screens. Another group of hopefuls will take on each other at various baking and cooking tasks.  People will tweet about it. They will comment on Matt Preston’s cravats, how yummy the cakes look, which contestants they love…or hate.  They will reminisce about their favorite winners from years gone by. Former contestants might even have an opinion or two.

The contestants do of course make the show. Their personalities’ are often as important as their cooking ability. Personally I admire each and every one of them. Yes even the ones everyone else hates; even the ones that get eliminated in the first week; even those that cry at the drop of a hat. In fact I even admire those that cringe when asked to cook a desert because they never cook desert. I mean it’s not as if they knew before going on national television that they might be asked to make such a thing and perhaps should have, you know, practiced. Yes I even admire those fools people.

Now I am not one of those people who boasts about my inability to boil water as though it is in fact a redeeming quality. This is not my reason for such admiration. Not at all. It is not like I admire anyone who can use a sharp knife and work out how to turn on the stove.

I do in fact enjoy cooking. I love trying new things and experimenting. I have a basic knowledge of food and flavors. I understand that cooking can be fun and artistic and an expression of love. Unlike some Masterchef contestants of years gone by I can in fact tell the difference between veal and pork.

In fact at first thought I imagined I would be just the person to go on the show. I love to cook and I can cook really well. Everyone says so. But no; I would fail miserably if I attempted to audition. I simply do not have the extreme passion and dedication these people have and this folks is what I admire so.

The people who go on this show really love food and cooking. I mean really passionately love it. So much so it seems a little bit abnormal. These people want to be chefs really, really badly. I suspect that if the show involved diving into a tank of sharks with the last one out alive being hailed the winner then these people would still do it. They would stare death in the face crying about how much their dream means to them.

Make no mistake. Good on them. Passion is a wonderful thing. But you know I just couldn't cut it. I don’t have the dream. I don’t have this ability to love each and every mouthful of food I consume and I don’t have the addiction to cooking. I thought maybe I did but I don’t. It’s a bit a sad actually. A poor reflection on what I thought was my love of cooking.

Some of these contestants talk about cooking as a way to relax after a tough stressful day. You know what I say?  Let’s just get some takeaway. Sometimes cooking can be fun but there are many times I truly can’t be bothered. Certainly a bath and a glass of wine are preferable than cooking a three course meal for relaxation. But maybe that’s just me.

I admit there are some foods I don’t like and don’t ever wish to ingest. I’m not talking religious reasons either but rather those ‘that looks and smells disgusting’ kind of reasons. Duck? Pigeon? Liver? Nah thanks not really keen. It’s not cooked properly you say? Well I don’t really care as I have no intention of eating it. So you want me to cook a seafood stew? Great stuff. Perhaps the best way to do this is throw it all together and taste it. Then when I want to throw up I will know it is just right?

If I imagine myself as a contestant it is as the one contestant that stands out from the crowd but not because of my cooking skills. One of the top chef’s in this country if not the world presents his signature dish. I am the only contestant not bowing and scraping but instead exclaiming, ‘Yuck that looks revolting. You expect me to taste that?’

Also imagine the would-be tear jerker scene when the judges ask me about my food dream. I say something like; ‘well I just thought it would be really cool to get on TV and learn to cook better. I mean my own cookbook would be so cool but I would rather die than ever have to work in a commercial kitchen. It looks like sheer hell in there!’

I do love it when the teams win challenges and are given a treat. At first they are usually told they will be having a lunch at some out of this world restaurant. So I would be thinking that this sounds great! Long lunch! Imagine the great wine list we could get stuck into? Then the clincher; that there will also be a class with the chef of said super dooper restaurant. What? You mean you actually have to work? Isn't this a prize for goodness sake? Can’t we just eat and get stuck into the booze then go back to the house and nap? But no the contestant’s actually get more excited about the learning opportunity then the free lunch! That is dedication. I would be ostracized if I was a contestant and gave my true opinion on the subject.

So there you have it. I love food and cooking but it turns out not nearly as much as I ever thought I did. These people put me to shame. I rarely see people so enthusiastic about a new career path. This is of course, lovely to see, but also a stern reminder of my own limitations. So please excuse me while I go and cook a lamb roast for dinner, with fresh rosemary or mint. No I won’t forget the correct resting time. I will however probably be using gravox so any would be Masterchef contestant best look away now.   

What about you? Could you cut it on Masterchef?